I don’t say I love you, but I do!

I may not say the words I love you although that’s the only thing I want to say to you when both we are together and apart… but it’s a struggle to let you in on my feelings mostly cos I’ve developed a hard wired ability to lock away all these feelings and make sure I stay aloof enough to keep you interested but sometimes not enough to keep you around… it’s happen cos over the years being too emotional or getting feelings or letting them be known had me burnt and consumed whole so now I don’t really know how to make those words come out and be heard. 

I may not be able to say the 3 words you so long to hear but my heart beats it… every time I see you, every moment we spend together, every time I wake up next to you… all I want to say to you is how much I love you and how much I appreciate your presence in my life.

If you look close enough you’ll see it in my eyes, do you not notice how when I look at you for a moment too long and every time you talk to me about your past the way I hold you and wish I can hug the pain and hurt away and how I immediately want to care for you and never let you hurt again…

Sometimes I have to catch myself from saying those words midway cos I am terrified of how you’ll respond if you truly knew how I felt, I am afraid of being rejected or that in spite of how deeply I feel for you and care about you that I won’t be enough that my love for you would be rejected and you’ll distance yourself from me just so you can protect me and avoid hurt feelings, I’ve been through that hell before I don’t want to go through it again! 

Although I have never voiced my love to you I reckon you already know… that in spite of all your short comings mistakes big and small unkind actions both deliberate and unconscious I have received you kindly and forgiven you… when I felt you lied to me for whatever reason I understood you and allowed you to come clean when you felt was the right time… I love you for all that you were, all that you are and for all that your not! 

So when you finally realise that I am not one of them that thirstily come after you with words of adoration that may or may not be true remember that I’ve heard your stories, I’ve seen you at your lowest and when you weren’t your best but I’ve loved it all… the imperfections and scars!! I hope that before it’s too late you’ll realise and not let me walk away cos when I do… I promise you I won’t come back… but when I love, I love with all I got and I love you with all of my heart, I love you like I’ve never loved before and that scares me heaps… but there I said it I love you!!! 

I am walking away even though I don’t want to.

I’m so tired of being that girl that feels too much too soon and end up in a pile on the floor with boxes of tissues crying cos I got my heart broken once again by a no good player that lied to me used me and left me confused and hurt! 

I am genuinely a nice person, I love to love and I am not stingy with my affection or I don’t love with conditions… I love whole heartedly and trust people till they prove me otherwise, I give people more chances than they deserve and give the most unlikeliest people the benefit of the doubt… I don’t mean to sound like some angel on earth that is flawless, heck I am so flawed that if you close enough you’ll see the cracks and scars you’ll see the pain and blood but I am regardless of what happen to me always looking for the best! 

Life hasn’t been easy for me, it’s been hard and messy but in this dark ugly world we live in I want to be one person that can still spread a little joy a little love and love people in spite of what they were or what they are… I believe love can heal the broken and change even the most difficult people! While I want to give this to all the people in my life I also want to be loved and be wanted be the one for someone! 

I am tried of loving but not being loved back, of fighting but not being fought back for, of giving and not getting an ounce back… it’s not conditional loving but isn’t reciprocal a part of any healthy relationship? 

So, as painful as it is… this time I am going to walk away… walk away from you cos it’s hurts to be apart of your life and be treated like an option when I know I deserve so much more… when I know that it’s you that will miss out for not giving us a shot and not the other way around… I thought you were more than your good looks that you had more in you but I guess you proved me otherwise… you proved to me that you were just a pretty boy with petty thoughts or maybe your just not ready and that’s okay… 

I am setting myself free and walking away and it’s not easy cos even the toxic relationship can bring a certain amount of comfort when you feel alone and have no one to call home… but I think I’ve learnt my lesson and seen enough to know that this is what’s best for me! 

It’ll be okay

I am sure everyone I ever knew or know have gone through tough times, times they didn’t understand or couldn’t explain… times that made them feel helpless and hopeless… times they thought it’ll never end or didn’t see how it’ll ever get better… I know how that feels cos I’ve been feeling that way for quite a while now and as helpless and hopeless I feel I also know that all this must mean something and I may not know it’s purpose or meaning right now but I will at the end of it when I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel… 

I during this time have come across many people and gone through many phases… I went through a complete sexual awakening like I hooked up with a few people, was on a dating app, had 2 one night stands and 3 almost relationships… I went through a I hate God and I never am want to talk to him again phase, I went on benders hat lasted days, the longest being 10 days, I travelled and climbed mountains and pushed my body to breaking point… I stepped out of my comfort zone one too many times to make a new friend or get something I wanted. 

I had to visit back home to say goodbye to my favourite aunt cos she is dying and while I can’t bare the thought of not having her around I had to let her know it’s okay to let go and move on to the afterlife but God doesn’t seem to have the same plan so we now have the hardest task of all which is to watch her deteriorate before our eyes and not be able to do anything about it… but do our best to make her feel comfortable and love her through this difficult time and encourage her to hold on… 

I have come to know a guy that I know is so wrong… he is way younger than me, comes from a life that I don’t have the slightest clue about, is doing probation for getting in trouble with the law is from a family of thugs and is basically a social outcast but what happens when everyone rejects these people? Am I not contradicting everything I believe in, if I do the same? My dream is to work in corrections to rehabilitate people so they can intergrate back to society… I believe by studying psychology that people can change if given the right tools and the love and care they need. I know a relationship shouldn’t have to be a project but even if all we end up is friends I want to be able to help him realise he is going to be okay and that he will make it… 

I have learnt to love and appreciate my family but I have also learnt mostly that I can do anything on my own if I put my mind to it… I’ve moved cities got new jobs new place to live made friends all on my own and with minimum support…

I have debts to pay and that scares me but I know I will do okay cos Gods got me.. he will take me higher and help me with a new job and to pay my debts and take care of my family… so yes tough times brings horrible feelings like how is this life ever going to get better or how will you ever make it out alive but you will trust me on that… just hang tight to the smallest amount of faith and believe it’s just around the corner… life will get better!!! 

It’s time I let my past go!

I have for a long time held on to these secrets from my past for many reasons…I was afraid to tell people or I was ashamed or I didn’t know how to…the truth is all these secrets have been building up and has changed me into someone even I don’t recognise. So I have decided to open up to my closest and dearest friends who have always been there for me who’s had my back and slowly let go of the mistakes I’ve made the dark secrets I’ve held on to so I can finally clear my mind unload my burdens and live my life how I always envisioned! 

They say there is something about a girl with secrets… something mysterious and beautiful while I believe there’s some truth to it, it also means that girl with that mysterious far away look is also hurting and in so much pain that if you look close enough you’ll see the pain through her smile and hear the anxiety in her laugh.

I am ready to let go and start my life and make it… I want everyday to count and I want to be happy like I should regardless of everything that is going on around me I want to find the goodness in every situation. 

I have been told I am not good enough or pretty enough or sexy enough but screw them I have been beautifully and wonderfully made by God my creator and I will sore on his wings and receive his blessings. I am ready to accept that what I have done or what happen to me is now over and is in the past and I need to forgive myself and move on in order that I can live a full and happy life. I can’t bare to hold on to things that have held me back like giving myself a chance to fall in love or give people a chance to get to know me… it’s time to let go and open up to people about me and who I am and where I’ve been… I am ready to let it all go and start new! 

You were so right for me yet so wrong.

When I first met you I couldn’t believe my luck… how could someone like you remotely be interested in someone like me… you had such a captivating soul and beautiful smile and we instantly clicked I enjoyed your company and being in your presences and it was clear you felt the same and you made me fall in love with you in just a moment and I jumped in without hesitation cos you were the one I was waiting for my whole life… 

then without a warning you left… you told me things were going too fast and you didn’t want it and you stopped talking and then you completely ignored me! 

I was already a broken person when I met you but I didn’t let that get in the way I put my pain aside to make room in my heart and love you instead you ended it and walked away without even trying… 

I miss you everyday! I almost wish I never met you but if I didn’t I wouldn’t have known that I was capable of loving so deep inspite of any past or present… I love everything about you including what is ugly… I wish God was more clear as to what you were but he isn’t and I am just sad and heart broken cos I don’t understand… you broke my heart… 

If there is anything to learn from all this, it’s that you can’t fully trust anyone you can’t just give your hearts away to people cos they won’t give them theirs back or they won’t accept yours how it should be accepted… 

you see when I met him I was impomplete and broke but I didn’t look to him to fix me or love me back to normal I just wanted to be apart of something more than I was…and instead he broke me more with lies and broken promises. 

It’s not either of our fault though it was because I wasn’t right for him and he wasn’t right for me so it blew up and one of us got hurt like it usually does and that one happen to be me. But I am not giving up on love or finding the one… he is out there making wrong choices like I am and I know we will find our way to each other when the universe is ready for our love story to begin. 

A letter to my baby!

My darling baby, 

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you… I’ve been thinking about you a lot more lately than I did in the past that’s also probably because I am now at a stage where I feel I am ready to have a child and the fact that I did have that chance and I didn’t do a good job which costed you your precious innocent life! I am sorry I didn’t try harder to protect you to stand up for you, to save you… trust me there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to have you back! 

I loved you when I first found out about you and I still do long after you are gone, cos truth is to me your still very much apart of my heart and always will be my first and there is something about your first anything! 

When I see babies or when they make eye contact with me as happy as that makes me it also breaks my heart a little… a little cos I couldn’t even hold you in my arms… I couldn’t share you with the world and I am sorry for that! 

Baby I know you went to be with Jesus and my aunt is coming there soon so promise me you’ll find her and show her the ropes! I know that I wouldn’t have been the best and in a way maybe you escaped a horrible childhood or life getting away from me but all I can tell you is… I would have loved you more than I loved anyone or anything else! Sure you would have changed my world but my world would have purpose and reason… my world would be colourful and pretty simply cos you’d be in it and I’d have you! 

I know I can’t change anything that happen but I will carry you in my heart for the rest of my days and pray that someday we will meet and I’ll know instantly it is you! 

It’s been 5 years now… and everyday I think of you and what you’d be like… I love you my angel! Rest in love! ❤️

Things I wish I knew before!

For the longest time I felt like I wasn’t good enough… I always had to over compensate to feel accepted and loved… being loved meant I had to do something give something sacrifice and if still I didn’t receive the love it just meant I wasn’t good enough… it was something about me! 

So I beat myself up wondering why I wasn’t thin enough or pretty enough or popular enough and the list goes on… I gave myself shit on top of the shit I was already getting cos I didn’t know any better. 

I remember my last ex boy friend telling me over and over how no one will want to be with me ever, how I am not good enough to be someone’s wife but maybe someone’s fuck buddy and how I wasn’t someone’s truely ever after but a mere stop over! He was abusive, manipulative and awful to me… he made me feel worthless and always blamed me for everything! So naturally after finally breaking up with him I went about feeling broken and unable to love myself! I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror… I suffered for months… I couldn’t allow anyone in, I developed bad coping mechanisms, I couldn’t go on! 

I managed through I pushed on and made it… I didn’t want to and if I thought my life was my own I would have taken it but I couldn’t so I stayed!! And I am glad I did cos I finally feel like it wasn’t me… I allowed people to treat me the way they did cos I didn’t know any better but now I do… I am worth it… I am a great person, I am unique! I love shamelessly, I give myself away to anyone that asks me nicely… I am there for them I am always there! 

Don’t let people belittle you and tell you you’re not worthy cos you are… you were out here on earth for a very good reason and you may not understand it or even feel like there is purpose but there is… hold on to the tiniest piece of hope and conquer through!!! 

I am still looking for that crazy kind of love… the kind of love that won’t keep you waiting and guessing, the kind of love that will see you for you and accept it all… the kind of love that brings out the best version of yourself… loving someone takes effort but don’t love someone that makes you do all the hard work alone!! As much as it’s a good thing to be patient and generous with your time be selective of how long you do that and really listen to what they’re saying!!! Learn to treat yourself with the respect you deserve!!! And never fear to tell the truth even if it means that they will no longer want to be apart of your life! They saved you time… time you could invest in yourself!!! 

Let go of the past and move forward with your head held high!!! Gods always got your back whether you believe that or not!! I wish I knew all this before but I do know it now and I am going to make the most of it and conquer on!!!! 

How to keep going on!

I don’t know how to keep going on some days… it’s like even breathing hurts! I try hard to stay positive and be optimistic of every situation that sucks the living joy out of my soul but some days it’s just impossible! 

Some days it’s about pretending it’s all okay and getting on with the day cos what’s the point in overthinking and overanalysing matters that is beyond your control. I mean you can pray it’ll be okay, that you’ll find peace when there seems to be no hope, when you just have no understanding, that it’ll all be okay!
Other days, all you can do is cry and wonder how life can be so tough, how no matter how hard you try, people screw you over, life screws you over, how love turned into something so bitter, how someone you trusted with your life betrayed you, how you failed in spite of working hard, how you didn’t get that break regardless of how deserving you are of it, how one second someone is there and the next they’re gone, worst of all, how you have to watch someone you love suffer from cancer and watch them detoriarate as the days go by, how you get a sense of how time isn’t in their favour, how hard it is to come to terms of the thought that they might not be here this time next year, you think of all the moments you missed, the times you didn’t spend with them but chose someone else instead… you don’t realise how every moment was precious! 

So what do you take from all this? It’s that Time doesn’t stop for anyone… both good and bad things come to an end eventually… that’s the way life goes and all you can do is make the most of the time you are given cos No matter what is going on, how hard it is to hold on, you gotta keep your head up high enter the arena and fight till you can’t fight anymore! Never let go! Never give up! Never run! Never surrender! Fight the good fight… you fight even when it seems inevitable that you are about to go down swinging! 

Life isn’t going to go the way you planned it, you will be shoved off your feet to the ground knocking the wind outta your system! That’s life…life is also going to surprise you with goodness you never saw coming, with blessings you feel undeserving off enjoy them, treasure them, value them, appreciate them! 

Live life one day at a time… keep going even when you don’t know how to!!! I promise you that you’re not alone in this struggle we are all in it together so together we will fight when it seems impossible to go on!! 

Life is too short to live half in half out!!!

Over the years I have lost friends that passed on due to tragic accidents, suicide or illness! It was and will always be heartbreaking, the realisation they’re no longer here to do life with! They will always be missed and the memories made cherished for years to come! This thought got me thinking, just how short life is, how temporary our life on earth is… how quickly it can end… all these friends I speak of had big dreams, were in the middle of accomplishing things, they were gone too soon with things left undone! That terrifies me! If I am to die today have I really lived life? Have I truely done it all? Have I changed a life? Have I travelled enough? Have I loved deeply and wonderfully? My theory is don’t live half in half out… even the bible says you can’t be lukewarm you’re either hot or cold!!! 

Loving should be the same… you should not love someone who can’t love you loud and colorfully nor should you be stuck in a relationship that is going to suck the happiness right out of your soul instead of igniting the fire, making you feel alive!!! So my advice is to, love like a lioness, fearlessly and loudly. 💕

When you find someone that challenges you, pushes your buttons, makes you laugh but also drives you insane, makes you think on your feet, confuses you, and complicates things… that’s when I think, it means something. There is absolutely no such thing as an “easy kind of love”. Every great love story was messy, difficult and both lovers had to overcome and work hard to keep it alive. If its easy, it’s boring and we humans are wired to be excited and captured by the unknown and excitement of a little bit of drama. 

Familiarity and safety is comforting but I don’t think it’s  going to fulfill you because we live in a world that has so much to offer, so comfortable isn’t going to keep the spark alive! Some may disagree and they may be right but I speak for myself when I say I need excitement and adventure and edge to keep me on my feet, to push me, to make me feel like I can never stop trying cos if you stop trying that’s when things begin to fall apart! You can never stop trying or slacking off!!! 

So If you stumble upon a guy that scares you, you will never have to look for anything else cos they will keep you on your feet and give you more than you’ll ever know. You will be able to see and experience the world through his eyes and it’ll be different from anything you ever knew, because they are different. They will keep you coming back over and over regardless of how much you try to escape because there is an unexplained connection pulling you back to him.

Life is too short so love loudly, tell that guy you just met the effect he had on you, tell him how he changed your whole perspective on life, how his simple existance has wowed you! Tell that guy you have been seen for a while how you truely feel…tell him how much you love him and how you miss him when he isn’t around how you want to share every moment good and bad with him, walk away from that toxic relationship that is sucking the soul out of you, let go that heartbreak and let the sun in and shine through the cracks!!! Don’t be afraid to say how you feel…if once you say it and they don’t feel the same way you’ll know where you stand what you should do next…live unafraid, love like today is your last day on earth!!!